Single For the Season: An Extremely Sardonic Take on Being Single For the Holidays

Oh yay.

Welcome to the holiday season. And it starts off with a bang! First will come Halloween. Where you will be invited to Halloween parties with couples in their oh-so-cute couples costumes. Meanwhile, you get to debate whether to dress genuinely scary or to be a slutty pineapple. If you are a woman, of course. If you are a male, you probably just plan on buying a t-shirt that says “This is my costume” and proudly being lame.

Next will come Thanksgiving, where you will go and listen to all your relatives tell you morale-boosting things like:
“Your clock is ticking…”
“You’re no spring chicken…”
“I know a really nice girl…”
“I was just reading this article that said you should really be married by 30, sooo…”
Only to be saved by your drunk uncle, Larry, who tells them to shut up and tells you to enjoy the single life, while his wife glares at him from across the table.

After all this abuse, Christmas will roll around and you’ll get to meet the new girlfriends and boyfriends of all your cousins as they bring them to meet the family. All this after you woke up alone (Or if you’re really lucky Uncle Larry is snoring on your couch because your Aunt kicked him out again).

It’s no wonder everyone drinks on New Year’s.

This isn’t going to be one of those pick-me-up articles telling you that you will find someone and aren’t destined to live your life with twenty cats, thinking about drinking Windex to end it all.

No.

Let’s roll with the punches. You can’t reason your way out of this situation so the only thing you can do is learn to laugh about it. Consider this your handy dandy guide to getting through the holidays single and loving every minute of it. Because good relationship possibilities are usually attracted to happy people. So let’s be deliriously happy.

black and white person feeling smiling
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How to get through Halloween

  1. Make your own couples costume. A blow up doll would be happy to be your date and wear the other half of your couples’ costume. And she won’t complain that it’s too cold or that her Halloween hooker heels are making her feet hurt.
  2. Show your love for the season. Carve some pumpkins! Maybe with middle fingers on them. Put them on your doorstep. People should get the hint. Or use this season to advertise! You may be the first person to ever get a date with a hot, single mom by carving the words ‘I’m Single’ onto a pumpkin!
  3. Eat a whole can of beans and go on one of those haunted hayrides with all the canoodling couples. Bonus points if you can make someone jump off before the ride is over.
adorable animal animal world cat
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How to get through Thanksgiving

  1. Bake a thoughtful batch of chocolate Ex-Lax brownies to offer to any relative who starts asking you about your relationship, financial, or career status. “Have a brownie, Aunt Carolyn! Fresh-baked!”
  2. Prevent the questions before they even start – As soon as you walk in, go straight to the kitchen without saying ‘hello’ to anyone and start talking to the turkey in the oven, “It will all be over soon, little buddy! Just let the heat overcome you…” This is effective because it stops anyone from even asking you why nobody has snagged you yet. Bonus points if you include other food items into the conversation.
  3. After everything everyone says around the dinner table, say, “See, that’s where you’re wrong…” Have a ridiculous rebuttal to everything. Start asking married couples who ask you about your relationship status, “So, how is your marriage?”
man in santa claus costume
Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

How to get through Christmas

  1. Collect a large bucket of rocks. Wrap them individually in boxes addressed to yourself. Show up at the family gathering and put all the boxes under the tree. Watch everyone be confounded when you seem to be getting the most presents. Unwrap each one kissing your new rock while practically crying in thankfulness.
  2. Wear onesie PJs. Stop periodically, mid conversation, and make that face toddlers make while crapping their pants. Move on as if nothing happened.
  3. Buy your new niece or nephew the loudest, noisiest toy you can find or if they are a little older, one with a million pieces to it. [Note: At least this is how I’m assuming my single relatives got through the season with my kids – laughing about how I must be tearing out my hair over the noisy toy or the vacuum-clogging nightmare that was the craft kit of 10,000 beads]

How to get through New Year’s

  1. Ah, yes. The article was finished. And then I was reminded that I forgot New Year’s. So there will be one and only one suggestion – Do what everyone else does: Make plans to change stuff you won’t follow through on and drink! Or just go to bed early, wake up to a new year and hope the same crap doesn’t happen next year.

As you see, this article has been absolutely useless in helping you through the nightmare of being single for the season. BUT…laughter is good for the soul and there is an underlying tip in all this blatant ridiculousness to help you get through it.

Your sense of humor will help you get through absolutely everything.

If you think too much about the hardships of being single or the ache of loneliness, it’s going to get you nowhere but depressed. The best thing to do is laugh. Don’t watch ‘The Family Man’ this Christmas. Instead, watch ‘A Christmas Story’ or watch the Griswolds’ escapades with Christmas lights. Watch Kevin defeat the bad guys in ‘Home Alone’. No sad Christmas movies for you!

On Thanksgiving, redirect the conversation away from that which depresses you and find something you’re happy about to alter the course of conversation. You’re going to get through this.

Look for the joy. Look for the laughter. There is something funny in just about everything. And when you do find someone to bring back to the family, maybe they’ll have some funny stories to tell about the time you had a conversation with the family dinner. Whatever you’re going through this year, just get through it.

If you start feeling the creep of sadness, imagine yourself doing the crazy things listed above. It will bring a small smile to your face. When they ask why you are smiling, just say, “Oh, nothing. I am just really happy right now. No reason” and keep on smiling. It makes them wonder what you’re up to.

beautiful brunette business casual
Photo by Yuliya Shabliy on Pexels.com
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